Abuse, what it is and what it isn’t.

We hopefully have all heard 1 Corinthians 1-13. Love is patient Love is Kind, love does not hold a history of wrongs…Therefore faith hope and love remain and the greatest of this is love. If you haven’t read it I recommend it. Its all about love, God isn’t mentioned once so if you are atheist, its Atheist friendly, its just truth. Its actually my second favourite bible verse. After John 10:10 Life and life in all its fullness.

So that is my model for what love is. 1 Corinthians 1-13. However, I didn’t have a model for what love isn’t.

I am fairly new to all this terminology, however I will give you the facts as they have been explained to me.

I was both sexually and emotionally abused by my ex husband. I was threatened with physical violence, if I hadn’t gotten out of the way, he’d have hit me. I was sexually assaulted on multiple occasions per week and I’d rather not talk about the rest… These are the facts. Throughout that time, I laughed, I joked I played and I loved. I loved my ex husband in my own way and I thought this was the “suffering” that married women are subjected to. I didn’t know it was abuse.

How did you, an educated woman not know it was abuse? How did you not know it was rape?

Well, that was because when you see sexual abuse in the media, you see a woman being attacked in the street, something put over her mouth and her screaming and kicking. You don’t see a woman in her married bed, stock still being coerced into sex. I was the latter.

When you see abuse in the media, you see a man take a swing at a woman, you don’t see belittlement, fear and abandonment. That was also me. I was so mentally ill that I couldn’t work for 6 months and my ex husband used my money to spend on his mistresses and abandoned me when I was so ill I couldn’t perform daily tasks. When I filed for divorce, and separated bank accounts, his mistresses all left. Without exception.

We need to talk about these kinds of abuse. We need to talk about the abuse that we see women endure for the sake of being “Mrs Something.” Its not okay. There is a man out there who loves you, truly loves you and you are putting up with a man who is abusing you. Its wrong. You deserve better, I deserve better.

To the men that are abusing us. They are simply hurt little boys put in the position of power. My ex witnessed abuse as a child, and once he became an adult he didn’t know what a healthy relationship was. Women are porn stars who cook. That was his misogynistic mentality. But it came from the fact that his parents didn’t show him what love is meant to look like. How do we stop the cycle? Stop hurting little boys (and girls) and thinking “its okay, they wont remember.” What happens if they do? Counselling doesn’t heal everyone. Don’t play chicken with your kids mental health. Don’t give “bare minimum” i.e. food water and shelter. Emotionally care for your children, that way boys will not be hurt men looking for a woman to lash out at and girls will not grow up to think taking a mans abusive nature is normal.

All I’m saying is that there is more than one type of abuse, and there should be more done about the more insidious, “can’t put my finger on it but its not quite right” kind of abuse. Because it often leads to something that you can put your fingers on. And you’d better get out of that relationship before the man has his fingers around your neck.

Grace and Courage.

Annetta Mother Smith.