Existence crisis

I am still alive, you will be happy to know. But only just. My life has been one long anxiety attack for a while now and I have been neglecting you. I’m so sorry. I am still here, been on the phone to Samaritans at midnight trying to keep “body and soul together” as my dad would say. The truth is  I can’t get the taste of fear out of my mouth. I am triggered by the memories of abuse. Which means to me life and death. My anxiety seems to agree. There’s no dressing it up, I have been treated badly, and in trying to justify the behaviour  I have torn myself apart trying to excuse the inexcusable. Sometimes, people wrong you and there is no explanation. Once again I am scared. Writing post-Samaritans call, at 1am wondering how long I can live like this, more importantly how long can I live. I have always said I get scared because I can’t see myself living to a grand old age. What if all the things that are killing me slowly actually do kill me? That’s a valid and reasonable question at this juncture and argument for living with my purpose. Purpose is for me not having anyone live like I have, suffer as I have. To leave the world better than I found it. But if I die early, I will not have impacted the lives I want to impact.It will all have been for nothing. And there have been times in my life when that thought has been all that keeps air in my lungs. I hope it’s worth it. Anyway. Bitterness aside the meeting in January changed my life in that it showed me beyond reasonable doubt  that living in my purpose is imperative and the only way I can live my life. It has to be on purpose. “Vocation and avocation must align like two eyes make one sight” my purpose in life is to ensure no one else suffers like me. My vocation is to campaign to stop that from happening. It’s not that I wish to cause trouble but when your back is against the wall and you have to come out swinging because you’re whole life is on the line. I cannot and will not remain a finance person in 5 years. I must re- invent myself, my original plan was to get married and become a mother and disappear for a while. Be loved well, heal, build myself up for a while, fight while strong. Now I want to change, conquer, build and be brave. Fight while scared. Courage is not the absence of fear, and this blog is called “”Grace and Courage” there has been a lot of “Grace talk” but no talk of courage. The daughter of a king is a princess, all will agree, but the daughter of a lion is a lioness, and this lion’s daughter sleeps no more. I want to lift others up. It’s not just a hobby anymore. The world is too cruel. It must be an immersive experience. I must seize the day.”I pursue” was dad’s  school motto, “always faithful was mine” as well as “serve and obey” from Aske’s.(sorry mum, no idea what Annie Walsh’s motto is) Pretty clear direction if you ask me. I must pursue my purpose. Be always faithful to myself, serve my fellow man and obey God. So that I must. Live in purpose or die trying because it is life or death for me. My call to Samaritans proves that. I had some really scary thoughts and I had to quite literally talk myself down from the ledge. Extremely bad. “ leaders” have that effect on you. They have the power to destroy you and the power to make you. I am choosing to use my power to lift others up. In “compliments of the season” I spoke about lifting others. I stand by every word. Lifting others up is not for the weak. Yet it energises me. In BeaBAD” I proved to myself that I have so much left to live for, so much to keep my heart singing. My life still has the potential to be a wild and beautiful experience and this brave young woman will be able to live in peace and purpose. I would love to be that “free hugs” guy. Not only would it help others but I live such an isolated life it would be good to have human interaction outside work. Failing that I would be one of those people who volunteer to hug babies. Failing that I am now my own superhero. I really mean that. I celebrate the small mental health wins, I am my own cheerleader and personal trainer. Whilst lonely, whilst isolating it is also empowering, every superhero needs her theme music and mine is Hanson’s “feeling alive” no longer do I crave my story to be told, my feelings to be out there instead I care about feeling alive. To quote another Hanson song “use me up” “even if the blood runs red,  nothing can be worse than numb.” Yeah, they weren’t kidding. I pray I never get to the chorus in my life. “ please use me up, I just want anyone to use me up” as I said before , “ exploitation is a use of some kind” and I have been used in my life, but often it’s exploitation, not actual sustainable use that is symbiotic. I would love to say brave things like “it stops now ” no more bullying, to hell with the system that doesn’t serve me” and trying to be seen by people who don’t see me as human. Sad. I am just done with trying to be good enough for people who fundamentally don’t want me. And trying to make them want me when they never will is dumb and will have me dead after all. Which isn’t my aim. So in order to live I need to do that which serves me. Playing small does nothing for me. So does expectations. Personal growth says I am not disappointed with people anymore, further personal growth means that I never want their approval again. I would love to say I am there. But at present I am enjoying “the in between” knowing I am further than I ever have been and acknowledging that there is further to go. I personally am proud of me. I will not harm myself today, nor will I ever I pray. I instead would like to live a life free of panic attacks. Free of anxiety attacks and jumping at shadows. Such a basic thing but yet means so much. I want the taste of fear out of my mouth. Future self, the woman who doesn’t remember what a panic attack feels like. I am speaking to you Remember this night when fear was all you knew. Remember the midnight calls to Samaritans, the counselling and the white knuckle nights when the dawn wouldn’t come when you doubt yourself The fear… Even when you didn’t know what you were afraid of. Actually you did. You were afraid of all the work escaping abuse being for nought. What a terrifying concept, the makeup, the clothes, the counselling, all armour I put on to tell myself that I love myself, that I value myself and that I matter. But in one meeting on a cold January Wednesday I lost all I had spent years gaining, instead I became that sad 27 year old trying not to be beaten. Once again avoiding blows. Except these were emotional blows. The terror I lived with at work I had not seen since the worst days of my life. The truth is what I feared was a relapse into accepting so much lower than I deserve because I once again couldn’t convince a man not to mistreat me. If that’s what kills me, I want it unambiguously on my death certificate “she died from not being able to convince a man not to mistreat her.” That’s actually what keeps me up at night. Why I wake up with panic attacks. Because last time I got a pass, I escaped, I was lucky, I fought and I got to live another day. But the idea that lightning strikes the same place twice, well… highly unlikely right? So what happens if it’s another life or death situation and this time it’s death? I’m 31, how can I die from mistreatment? Actually it’s pretty common for people like me to die so why do I keep thinking I will be different? Why do I keep believing in my own victory arc? The great over-comer? Why do I actually think that where others have died I have survived and will keep surviving? I don’t know to be honest. But I do know, that my survival instincts are strong. The Hanson song I have switched to is “Battle cry” my favourite line is coming up. “If you’re up against the wall… staring down the firing squad… they ask you for your final verse… be brave… tell them… to do their worst!” Hanson really do write the soundtrack to my life. The next song is “underneath” “can’t you see? I’m stuck in underneath? You’re making it hard to breathe? Take a look around and tell me what you see? You’ll find me…underneath.”I could go on, but my anxiety attack has subsided sufficiently enough for me to go to sleep so sleep I will. Goodnight cruel world, I’ll see you in the morning said Kanye West. I live to see another dawn. By God’s grace.

Grace and courage

Annetta Mother Smith.