One month on…

1 month in.

Greetings.

I write to you from the absolutely stunning Maughan Library, Chancery Lane. My name is Annetta Mother Smith and I work for the people who own this place. This place is going to be my own slice of heaven. Absolutely silent.

Start time 5:01pm as I begin my grind for my 5pm-9pm. Completely different to my 8am-4pm (the one I get paid for.)

An update about me.

I went to Romania recently, on my 3rd and 4th day of work. It was a far bigger deal for me than it was for anyone else. People really aren’t checking for you like that.

I really must do a Romania diary- but it is now so expensive to buy writing equipment, paper and pens now they actually want you to use a PC because barring the upfront cost, its free.

Romania was wonderful. I fully turned off my brain for a few days,

There were some issues though.

I am fat. (Nooo… don’t say that.) Yes I am.

I have been meaning to lose weight for months, but my depression has been getting the better of me recently, unemployment did not suit me) and I have not made the changes that I want to. It came to a head when packing, and when there. I didn’t want my body seen. I just want to hide.

Yesterday, was my 1 month anniversary in this job (technically, more on that later) and I have much to reflect on.

1 month on.

I gave my all to work for the first month, I am starting to branch out in terms of being more about my social life.

Dear God in heaven there is a “chaotic colleague” who wants to drag me into their orbit. - Memento te uxorem habere- Remember you have a wife... Leave me alone. On that note, I howeve have been enjoying my week without his presence and have to remember a very important lesson... I swear

“There is only one lifeboat...and its for you,”

So whilst being “collaborerative is imporant, remember keep reciepts that you did everything, reasonable and unreasonably possible to get it done. Because you need to know who’s fault it is and most importantly, that it isn’t you.

Never be last man standing when the police arrive...

My boss enjoys threats. Thats been messing me up. Its ruined several days. I am not used to being mistreated anymore. God only knows who she thinks she’s impressing. It isn’t me...

HR are a level of stupid that needs to be  studied  how do they get to mess everything up so regulary when  God  forbid I do something.

& by the way, i have been impeckabble and have been for arrivg, because I knew I knew if anything went wrong it would be all my fault.

I then went to a dark place.

Not literally, figuratively I had a dark night of the soul and my body has been trapped in 2019. It feels sometimes like I can’t get out. I have to work so hard to convince myself I am not a bad person. I pray  I am not. But I will be more judicious in my life.

What has haunted me is that I am back where I could have been in 2017. There’s nothing wrong with downwards steps and no one’s career is linear, there will be good times and bad times. but 8 years of bad times is quite exceptional. Or maybe its life. Who knows.

One thing I know, is that I have thoroughly lost my sense of wimsy, I have been here an hour and I have napped easily 15 minutes of it. I am able to retrospectively look at my actions and go “that was a waste” and it was... It feels like taking a step down is the art of having it rubbed in my face repeatedly, all meanwhile I have to live with the consequences of 8 horrendous years.

In truth I do regret being a good person.  Especially to my parents. They have proved themselves so wanton, I thought it was “once sacrifice and that would be it...” and it absolutely wasn’t. My parents were just waiting for another opportunity... to screw me over, because as I just said, there’s only one lifeboat out and they grabbed it for themselves and told me to sacrifice.

I regret everything about my ex. I feel like a loser. Because I lost. I lost money, dignity and innocence and I’ll never get any of those things back.

Do I wish ill on him? Hell yes, every damn day. I tried the high road and it sucked. Now I’m firmly in the “burn in hell” category, because someone shouldn’t be reliving a year of trauma 6 years on. I will never look at sex ever again the same way. I went from a normal person to a damaged one between him and my awful parents. Who followed the african trait. Selfish.

I need to be better with being around these people. People in general. My compensation package includes my right to write to you, and I plan to use it. There was one day I was really angry becuase chaotic colleague stole an hour of British sunshire (worth roughly 10g of gold) I will not be doing so again.

I have really enjoyed my German lessons, (will do my homework today) and I am looking forward to the gym. Because that will wear my mind out in a different way.

 I am proud of how I spent an hour holding myself accountable. That’s something I lost in Sainsbury’s and haven’t regained. I need a mentor. I am also glad that I so easily see people for who they are. I just need to get quicker at removing obstacles from my life.

I’ve had to advocate for myself and whilst HR might say “Oh sorry” I believe that sorry is completely useless for things I can’t fix, if you break my toy but fix it, sorry is appropriate, as long as you don’t ever do it again. Meanwhile sorry when I can’t fix what you’ve done just angers me. So they’re another one for the “go suffer” list.

Everyday I come home exhausted from a mental pain I shouldn’t have and that results in coping mechanisms I know are dangerous.

Please God, a little bit more grace is needed.

Grace and Courage

Annetta Mother Smith