With his chest
There’s something wonderful about a strong man’s chest. Romantic, safe. Every child’s first memory is of finding strength and protection in their father’s chest. Even when he could do nothing physically for you, his chest was a centre of your universe that was a simple place of safety. That’s what hugs are. A moment of comfort by centring you in someone else’s chest. Aligning heartbeats just like when you were in the womb. For me it’s one of the things I crave most in a husband and miss most in my father.
Let me describe one of the most beautiful moments of my life.
My dad’s last Christmas. I didn’t know it. No one did. We were sat in the living room, he was doing his crossword, the TV was on… ordinary day. I walked into the room, we talked about nothing in particular. I then put my head on his shoulder. I was 29 and I put my head on my dad’s chest, for the first time since I was a small child. He put his arm around me and neither of us said a word. It was beautiful, perfect and our last opportunity to do it. When he was dying I was privileged enough to tell him how much that hug meant to me.
This wasn’t meant to be sad, but here I am sobbing on public transport.
The point was meant to remind me of what a good grounding means. Someone to give comfort and perspective. It means everything. My future husband needs to be good at hugs. I need someone can regularly pull me into his chest. I need centring. I have been so unregulated, probably from about 13. Hugs aren’t just cuddles, they provide safety. That’s why the first people to hug you are your parents. Which is why it’s so important to me. I have lived a “dangerous” (read unsafe) life for so long. I was chronically under loved by my ex and to some extent my parents and wider family. Being love-starved is exactly the same as any other type of starvation. You crave what you don’t have. You crave buckets and oceans because you lived off drops. Love is not something you should be starved of. Love should be measured in metric tones per second not milligrams per annum. I love for my great love of my life, who I can have beautiful moments with. Some will be once in a lifetime like my last hug with my dad, some will be monotonous like a cup of tea in the morning. Dancing,, walking, looking out for someone, kissing, there are a million ways to show love.
But right now I need a hug
Waiting for my future husband to pull me to his chest.
Grace and Courage
Annetta Mother Smith