Soul Tired
Well I have finally done it. My friend pushed me so far over the edge that I have called a doctor. The chest pains, headaches, tiredness and tears have all taken their toll and now I’ve called for medical assistance because whilst I was fragile before, she’s completedly obliterated my mental health. So I called the 111 non-emergency helpline, they’ll call me in the next hour. I really hope her temper tantrum was worth it. There is nothing left of a person. A person who believed in love has been told without any humanity that she can’t even hope for what she wants. She has no right to hope, to pray, to feel. and that hurt. To be told that the way you process is wrong. Hurtful. Actually, on reflection what I did was perfectly healthy, with time and distance from the emotions I wrote a piece about the emotions, having some introspection. I then asked for objective commentary with people I’d told sections of my reality. It did not require fire and brimstone or destruction. It deserved space to be held, one last time. Now I have nothing, I was talking about hope and you robbed me of even that. I spoke of happy memories and you obliterated them. I spoke of love and dreams and you killed those. When you have so little of those things, and now I cant be that person anymore. A person that Jack, John, Caroline, Sunita, Benjamin, Beale, Glena, Stacey, Scott, Andrew have been able to cower, bully and destroy.
I have to be someone different. I have no concept of who that will be. But her own agent? Certainly.
I do want this…
I work in a university. I want one of the tall, handsome, European MBA students to see me and fall in love with me, take me on dates and love me well. He will marry me and we’ll go and live in either his country or mine. I will fulfill my 10 year plan. Nothing else will do. Every single step of that plan must be excecuted to the letter and to the exact date. Not just the exact dates, but the feelings. the habits, the goals, the experiences, the food, the cuddles, the healing. My love language being understood, needs being met. Me getting exactly what I want. Like literally everything.
Unfortunately, nothing else will do.
Love you.
Grace and Courage
Annetta Mother Smith