What will I be when I win?
What will I be when I win?
Got a day to think about this. What will I be when I win? Expansive is always what I say. But that’s not quite it. Expansive means what? Well in this case it’s “ to be bigger than I am now.” So bigger. More intelligent. More grounded. More loving. So filled with love. As filled with love as I currently am with nothing. Filled with peace. I reach out and touch love. My daughters hair, my sons face. My husband’s arm. My home is warm, baked bread, cakes, fresh pasta, warm stews, wholesome food. It feels like autumn feels. Crisp, fresh bracing and a refuge from the cold. Children running around. Fully present, in the moment. A place of nourishment and a place to be cherished, to be nurtured not nursed. A life well lived. Me shouting “Langsammer bitte” and the scampering of small barefoot people running around.
My sons, my innocence in male form. My daughters, the spirit of me. I see them as babies, small children and then it’s gone. I can’t say I know them as adolescents or adults. God will let me see them. The winner woman has her beautiful life, intentional. Family focused. Everyone feels so special. My own little refuge from what I didn’t get anywhere else. An oasis of peace. I always focus on my children because I know how they’ll make me feel. I know if I can have as everything I want I will have 6 kids. I should have started earlier but I’m not early, or late, I’m bang on time. He’s my refuge. I’m hugging his chest. His chest is the centre of what I want from him. A good heart, a pure soul, he will protect me, he will cover me in his love, he’ll look into my soul and my soul will look back and recognise that he is good. Not perfect. Just. Good. Make me laugh, inspire me.Trust me. Make your devotion to me your life’s work and hold me until death takes one of us. Then be reunited with me on the other side. Bold romance is for Instagram. Give me a look that will be talked about through the ages, a kiss that people will write love stories for. A love that my heart beats for. Be the man that holds my hand when I’m old and tells me that I am beautiful. Let me see that spring in your step when you see me. A smile just for me, that sets me on fire. I am special, I am the embodiment of love because I have found the one who embodies love for me. We reflect each other, we strengthen each other, build each other up. There was no feeling before this and there is no feeling afterwards. There is only this. No sword of Damocles over my head. There is no thought, or threat of divorce. My victory over loneliness will be final and complete. This is the man that will help me navigate the waters of postpartum to avoid post partum depression, as someone who has had depression. I don’t want to have it again, let alone at the happiest time of my life. Depression takes months of your life. You can’t remember squat and I won’t have that. I will remember your face. The way my first borns hands curled around my finger for the first time. When one of my middle born meets their siblings, the last time I changed my last borns nappy. Held a child’s hand, hugged my husband before work. Told him about how important he is to me and the world we’re going to create. These are the memories I will take with me to eternity. The sight of smiles, the sound of laughter, the feeling of hugs of my loved ones, and each person brings me so much love. The woman who was starved of love eats her fill and more. She has 2 sons, Sky and Sea, I love you to the heights of the constellations and the depths of the oceans. One who looks exactly like my husband, the other my father. I love them dearly. So full of cheekiness, energy, dynamism. Their father’s Vigour. Ease is the word I pray into their lives. They face challenges with ease.
My daughters, how I pass my beauty into eternity. Each embodies a different part of me. Strength, Gentleness, Joviality, Grace. The four corners of my world. My 4 daughters. My North star, My sun that rises in the East, I love you my Antartica, my southern wilderness, then when I close my eyes and they look to the Sunset in the West, it is you I think of. Power flows through my veins into theirs. Their father’s joyful, innocent heart shines within them. Here I see my beauties knowing what I didn’t. Having a father that protects them. A mother who nurtures them. Wonderment is the word I pray into their lives. May the discover a world full of wonder, may I hold each of them and point to the stars, show them the beauty of the heavens, the simple pleasures of a daisy, the soaring heights of a mountain and the tranquil beauty of a stream. May that be the world they live in. Not a world that is chosen for them. That is my prayer for my sons too. May my daughters also know ease.
Bringing strong family structures and showing it working. We work on us. And so it works. It’s me and my family against the world.
The first day of my victory is when my heart beats again. That day, is today. The last day of my victory is my last day on earth.
Claim it. I will be so unimaginably joyful that I will not be able to comprehend the loneliness and pain I have felt these first 31 years.
Here’s to the new chapter of my life
Go outside and claim it
Grace and Courage
Annetta Mother-Smith