2026… new year same me

I no longer believe in myself.

I don’t believe I have the consistency and discipline to do anything without external validation. I like my “pat on the back” and my instant gratification.

I haven’t been consistent even in my own life.

I work best with short bursts of energy, push through something hard and acheive it.

I want to tell people my business. But I haven’t yet learnt to decouple myself from something I used to get very angry at my ex for, which is opening my mouth before finishing the job. I don’t mind telling people after its done… but before? No. Because I have no confidence I will actually do it.

I learnt that 2025 beat the hell out of me… and I don’t know if I can make it better.

2026 is a big year for me, its the year all my excuses either die an ignoble death, or they become a part of my character. I become the girl who peaked in primary school.

I don’t have high hopes for myself.

What I do have high hopes for is… self hatred.

I loathe myself and have been known to punish myself and compete with others who aren’t racing me.

Case in point, a friend is getting married this year,

I survived 2025… and did so by becoming 81kg..

I need to be about 65kg by the time of this wedding…in May.

So will hatred win the day? Yes, almost certainly, there will be a time in February when I panic and don’t see results, but I have to have faith that my plan to be trim and toned by the time of the wedding will bear fruits. I don’t care if I need to get a colonoscopy in order to get to the desired weight. Yes I am that petty, petty is what motivates me.

At least I’m honest.

Grace and Courage.

Annetta Mother Smith