Even if I pick money off the street… I wouldn’t give it to you.
I did something that would normally give me joy… but didn’t. You know when “the vibes are off” but you feel committed? My mum asked me to buy a present for my cousins daughter. Normally, no one needs to tell me to buy gifts for a 9 month old. I’m right there front and centre. Except this cousin is in Sierra Leone, when my dad died he didn’t even call to give condolences, his jackass is 30 and has now got a child via a 23 year old… and they’re not married… and he plans to go to Canada to do yet another degree (3rd time lucky right?) All these red flags are a uniquely African problem. English man of 30 plans to go to Canada to get another degree, and had a child with a 23 year old… who he’s not married to, people’s automatic reaction is “as long as you are happy” Sierra Leonean dude? Recipe for disaster. Without wishing this on the child, the child is screwed. Named the kid after his mother and all aunts. Textbook emotional abuse. You won’t let a kid starve that bears your name, right? Let me spell it out for you. A child born outside marriage is screwed. African men are very deliberate. If he wants to start a family with you, he’ll marry you. If he wants to have fun on a Friday night… he’ll have fun on a Friday night. The consequences of that are the woman’s to bear alone. Jackass men have kids as another weird way to delay adulthood. Now you are obligated to help them “for de Pekin” (for the child) thus magically abdicating responsibility for the life they brought into the world.
Red flag 1. The money is going to the mother, my cousin is the father. If he can’t be trusted with £50 to act in his daughter’s best interest… the game is already over.
Next. Canada. I can’t believe anyone is so stupid as to send his ass to Canada, he’s going to find every excuse under the sun not to bring his “family” over. Oh and he’ll for sure go get a Canadian girl pregnant… and marry her. Why? He’s not married to the “baby mama” so he doesn’t owe her shit. Man doesn’t have his life together. Living in his parents house with his kid. I wouldn’t send him to buy milk. Just going to spread the plague of his genetics on the western world. He can get serious in Sierra Leone. People are so quick to crap on all the opportunities they have in their own country. The grass isn’t greener in the West. It’s greener where you water it. And plus, if he’s a student, culturally he becomes his parents problem financially. So now they have to support 3 people, the baby, the mum, and then the father. Dumbass idea if you ask me. Incredible waste of money too. If he wants to make something of himself, he can. But Canada isn’t going to fix shit.
Marriage. Marriage matters. Marriage is the most important indicator of how a child will be treated in my mother’s culture. If your parents are married. You will be raised, and cherished. If your parents aren’t married, you become either a tool for emotional blackmail or a “ride along” who needs to fit into your parents plans and if your parents marry someone different, you get screwed. My cousin has a half sister, who is technically my cousin too. My uncle is her father. He didn’t marry her mother. Make way for the most disfunctional childhood you’ve seen. 3 countries, mother, grandmother, auntAll being guardians. Why? Parents didn’t marry, mum married someone else and so an innocent 5 year old girl got sent to another country so as not to “ruin the mother’s new marriage” blood, apparently isn’t thicker than water. When the grandma couldn’t look after her, auntie steps in… in the USA. Meanwhile her biological father is not even 1 hour away from her birthplace. 0 responsibility taken. Not his wife, not his problem. Not a cent sent. Which is why I’m pissed they let the son, who was born to married parents go and ruin someone else’s life. These people should be castratated. I’m done. If you aren’t ready to have a life long commitment, you aren’t ready for sex. Stop acting dumb and being surprised by the results. Remember I was once 22 in a relationship with an older man. So please don’t tell me “I don’t understand” I understand better than you know. But I made my choices. It currently means I am childless… but it also means I will be married to my children’s father. I didn’t make 1 choice. I made several hundred. Consistent. Choices. Why is everyone literally trying to “fuck around and find out.” We literally have too many examples of how this goes down to count. You. Are. Not. Special.
Next. My cousin is too much of a child under his parents jurisdiction to send condolences for his uncle’s death, but old enough to be having sex. That’s calm. But I’m not ever buying approval of someone who doesn’t speak to me. I congratulated him on the birth of the poor innocent child. Manners maketh man. The truth was I did it for my mother’s sake. But the second that the money left my hand and went to my uncle’s hand. I knew it was the wrong decision. Normally, if someone gives you a gift for a baby, the adult in the room says “thank you” that is the custom in both England and Sierra Leone… Man just pocketed it like I owed him the money. It’s not his money. It’s mine. My uncle is my uncle is my mother’s brother. So I know he was raised in a decent house. Don’t play dumb with me.
I pray blessings over baby “Ces” and pray more importantly that I am wrong about how her childhood will play out.
But that doesn’t mean I will ever financially contribute to their mad delusions. It was wrong of me and a gross waste of money to please my mother.
Even if I picked money from the street… I wouldn’t give it to my Sierra Leonean family. Without exception.
Grace and Courage
Annetta Mother Smith