Turns out… Decent people exist
Once again you’ll need to forgive me. I am aware that my standards for common decency are really really low. I don’t know when I stopped receiving decent treatment but it’s long enough ago to realise I have been running on empty for several years.
My neighbour was rude to me yesterday. My mum convinced me to play nice… for today. Anyway. Today I am in the office and my male colleagues are being… men. It’s sad that I associate being male with either aggression/arrogance/stupidity or greed. All qualities I associate with my ex husband. Whose birthday it is today. Anyway. The men are Menning and it’s so great to see. Effortless. Men in their 30’s are really comfortable with themselves and I am realising my ex was not comfortable with himself. Something about his masculinity is not right and so he spends his time covering it up. He tried to project masculinity I realise now. He didn’t have it. Meanwhile, the guys in the office, come in, assert, provide me with endless amusement then go. I absolutely love it. Men being men brings me so much joy I can’t even say. Making plans, decisions, banter, care, it’s so human and I know I have said this before but it’s a revelation to me to be able to see it. It resets my brain as it tries to compute what happened. Men are a positive part of society. It’s so weird that I am trying to understand this. Today a therapist colleague let me talk to him about my dad. How much I love my dad. Another colleague showed up in a whirlwind of youthful energy which reminded me of my dad without even realising it. I’m full of joy because it’s like I get snippets of my dad which I cling to. He’s not gone. He’d never leave me. But because dad was a masculine man, but not in a classical way, whenever I see similar behaviour it makes me happy because it’s not the norm. I’m using the words “masculine/masculinity” to describe the “je ne sais quoi” that men do without realising it. Whatever they do, the shoulder clamping, the “turn the heating off on your way out, yeah” the space and time and structure and strength they provide I really love it. It’s not just one man. It’s all my male colleagues. I’m so appreciative. I guess because I don’t have a man in the house I see the value of men and the value of male relationships. Between men and between men and women.
Grace and courage
Annetta Mother Smith.