Star cross…

There are rarely something as deleterious to the health of a Virgo as having an air sign mother. I have an air sign mother and a fire sign father. Which is as bad for the health as smoking 20 cigarettes a day.

My day started on Saturday, I woke up at 5am and left at 5:25am to take a train to London, Laptop in hand ready for wind, rain adventure and foolishness in the British Library.

My mum’s birthday was the day before, so I’d spent some time with her. My mum called me to thank me about it and told me excitedly that her and a friend of hers had decided to  pray for me. The conversation descended into the deepest pits of hell and it ended with my mother calling me an agnostic. This hurt my feelings. This conversation started at Wellington Arch, got down to Picadilly, Chinatown, Holborn, Russell Square, to Euston, the British Library queue and finally into the library. Apparently the Bible is the only book worth reading and the pursuit of knowledge for its own sake is pointless. During this time my cousin Deji reached out to ask me to be the godmother of her son born in November, my mum stepped up her attack… “you’ll need to be a better Christian to lead this little boy…” then she said the words that would give me a headache for the entire of Sunday. “Are you going to put the little boy in your will?”

When I was going home (and yes, I need to take accountability here, for calling her to keep fighting) she said to me “well you’ve been going to the library for 18 months and you haven’t met anyone…

Did I… at any point since July 2024… say I was going to the British Library to find men???

I do German, French., go to the gym and  go to the British Library, and at no point have my hobbies ever been to seek men. From crotchet, to sewing, to hiking, none of my hobbies are there to interact with the male species, they are merely to enjoy myself…

Does it make it less valid because I don’t have a boyfriend?

Anyway, argument over and I get to Sunday…

I start to mull over the idea of putting the little boy in my will.

I will never meet him. (not a disqualifying factor)

He is adorable (I’ve only got pictures that others have shown me, none of my own from his parents) (not a disqualifying factor)

The main discriminating factor is he is Sierra Leonean, I don’t want my will to include anyone from that nation and the amounts (the de minimus limit is £30k) would be a ruinous amount for him, it would spread envy, if his parents distributed it amongst his siblings, or if I included them in will it would cos me £90k which for people who can’t say thank you for a chocolate bar is a lot.

He is also unlikely to bring me happiness because I begged his mother for 18 years for a relationship, all throughout the birth of her previous 2 children, and yet nothing. Now I do not feel joy, it means nothing when she reaches out. I don’t hate her, I’m not mad at her, but the person she’s speaking to is the husk, and she, like so many others could have influenced that result and chose not to, for whatever reason. When one person doesn’t help, it’s a tragedy, when an entire community doesn’t help I became a statistic.

I gave £100 at the time of his birth. I did so to discharge my duties to my 16 year old self, in doing so I felt and still feel free. I am free from expectation, even of myself. I know I was raised with generous impulses.

Anyway, there are 3 children presently in my will.

Girl A & girl B are sisters. Their mother is my second cousin and they were there for me when my dad died and I was going through my divorce.

Boy A is adorable and is my Godson.

Now the reason I decided to redo my will is that Boy A has a baby brother… Boy B.

He will be 2 in June (yeah I know…leave me alone)

So as I now have a better death in service grant I wanted to add a few things…

Girl C with Boy C- they are the children of a friend from the 2010’s who is a Yank. But when her eldest was born to she’s always reached out. I needed that desperately when my dad was dying. Girl C’s 1st birthday party (remote) was the last event he attended. Boy C was born in 2024 and is adorable, with the best cheeks you’ve seen in a long time. Is that worth £30k or $40k? Yes it absolutely is, its pretty privilege entrenched as hell.

Girl D wasn’t born until after my dad passed. But she brought me endless joy in crotchet for her so why not. Again, I was depressed as hell and I needed a bit of idleness and she provided it.

My mum asked why my nephews and nieces weren’t included.

My brother A’s children have brought me nothing but misery since birth. Both parents have regularly insulted my family and have helped cause the demise of my father.

Brother B’s son I actually didn’t think of and will probably add him to the will at a later date. I held him as a baby and whilst he is no longer cute, when he was 7 months old, he was incredibly cute and would crawl dragging one leg behind the other.

My mum saw this as me “hating” my brother A’s kids. I’m actually neutral. Neutral means I don’t act towards them, nor against them, I keep my distance. If I love you I will give you £30k but your parents made sure we didn’t have a pleasant relationship and whilst that isn’t your fault it is something you will have to live with the consequences of, just like living with the consequences of that alcoholic father of yours. I cannot change the past, but giving them £30k when I’m dead isn’t going to make the future better so why bother?

Neutrality for me means never speaking to people who for almost 20 years made my life miserable. I am 34, that is more than half my life. I was in London when I first heard of my sister in law…. I was in London as a child going to school…

My mother… out of spite for me and “Christianity” has decided to include them in her will… I have made it my life’s mission to talk her out of it.

I don’t deserve to suffer. I want to leave those people alone, and whilst I cannot tell my mother not to do something stupid and spiteful… That’s exactly how I feel. I also feel angry that to prove a point she would hand money to people who have spend years saying we’ve been cheating them out of their birthright… just to prove a point.

My brother A (deceased) and brother B (lives in the US) Brother B is paying for Nephew A’s school fees for uni. Except when he stopped (my personal belief is he dropped the ball to pay for his mum’s funeral and the flights to go to Freetown) now we are in a situation where everyone is lying.

Why would I want to go back to a situation like that?

I now respect myself enough to say “I like who I like, I love who I love and I make no apologies for it”

And I don’t love them.

Those days are over.

Grace and Courage.

Annetta Mother Smith.