You put that on God’s internet?

Full disclosure.

The following paragraphs are being written in full knowledge that I myself have been in this situation and I am not exempt from the nonsense of men.

I listened to a video essay about the essayist’s experience with a man. It made me mad. Big mad. Not at him. At her. Because how dare you treat yourself like that. Explain yourself.

And she did.

And every time that woman opened her mouth the situation got worse.

I left multiple fuming voice notes to friends.

It was meant to be background noise while I worked from home. On multiple occasions I needed to pause it, and put my hands over my head and reflect on my own life choices that got me to be listening to such rubbish. Let me tell you, not one drop of personal reflection. Not one.

So a value. I hold is I will always give people a fair shot. To explain themselves, I thought it would get better over time (it was an hour and something long) as I said, it didn’t get better.

But it also super resonated with me because I had been in a similar situation.

My story

I went to Freetown in 2023 December it was my cousin’s wedding. I was a bridesmaid. My cousin is a doctor and all of her bridal party excluding me where all doctors.

There I met a groomsman, his name was Daniel. He was and is a doctor, and we spent a lot of time during the wedding week together. He is an emergency medicine specialist and on the final wedding day (I differentiate between the white wedding and the legal marriage) he told me about his top patients of all time. We spent the reception talking about medicine which I have a genuine interest in. It also means I didn’t have to dance. I had a much better time as a result.

Numbers were exchanged, he had a girlfriend at the time and I invited him to the family BBQ because I was leaving for the U.K. shortly afterwards. He didn’t go. Said he was shy. Strike one.

So,for 3 months we spoke everyday, it was nice, but looking back it was that I hadn’t had a male friend since college and I enjoyed male company. I enjoy medicine and biology as a subject. But he wasn’t interested in the lifestyle I lead. Varied hobbies, events, and I am a black Briton. I have my own culture and I can see Sierra Leonean culture for what it is. As an objective bystander. He meanwhile, loves his country, which he has a right to. I just don’t agree.

But this wasn’t the life I wanted. I am an early riser, he is a late sleeper. He overworks I have been through that part of my life and value things like travel and hobbies. He and I are the epitome of the phrase

“Jack of all trade, master of one”-Me

“But better than master of one”- him.

Eventually I got bored. I needed something more than medicine to be interesting. I love science, and am very good at it. I might do a degree in it one day just for the pleasure of seeking knowledge, which is something I value now. But as the Bible says, man cannot live by bread alone. And I know myself, I get bored of men. It’s not an “ick” it’s just boredom. I am a jack of all trades. So in order to keep my interest you also need to be a jack of all trades.

He had made his intentions known that he wanted to be in a relationship with me at this point. Shame. He had a girlfriend and I didn’t ever want to step foot in Freetown again. He couldn’t hug me, kiss me or just take a walk with me. It wasn’t what I wanted, so whilst the talking was nice, if I wanted to spend the rest of my life on the phone, taking a distance learning medical degree he would have been content to let me over the next 6 years.

There was also the matter of U.K. immigration. Coming to the U.K. is the obvious choice for both of us. We could both work here, gain maximum wealth and have a higher standard of living than in Freetown. But that wasn’t what he wanted. And like I said, I wasn’t giving up generational wealth to go and sit in a country that has made me miserable since a different doctor told my mother “it’s a girl!” 34 years ago. My career would be over in Freetown. I’d need enough children for me to not be bored. I can’t do anything that I love either, everything is a struggle. It would have been “a life” just not “the life I wanted” He wasn’t willing to do anything for me. And I am an acts of service girly. Strike 2.

Then there was the girlfriend. At the end of the day I am a girls girl and I wouldn’t want my boyfriend to spend his evenings with someone else, especially if he said he wanted to be in a relationship with this person. Strike 3.

So I stopped talking, started re-filling my evenings with events, gym, friend’s etc… he no longer had anything to offer me. Not mad, not malicious, I’d just outgrown him and he belonged to a certain time of my life and I didn’t want to go back to it.

This was spring 2024, by April I was done. Life is for living, the sun was shining, i wanted more from life than being in my house and I didn’t like how the whole thing made me feel.

I guess because I’d not analysed my feelings and I felt them so lightly it allowed the next phase of the story.

You see there was momentum about this story. What a perfect little story it would make at a wedding. My mum would finally get her Creole son in law. I would marry a black man which is her dearest wish and I would have links to Freetown. I would have to go back regularly, my mum would be able to retire in Freetown knowing her daughter and grandkids would come see her because my in laws would be in Freetown. What is hilarious was in early 2023 I was in love with a man called John. A  Sierra Leone national of Lebanese descent. He was born in Kissy Road, Freetown and moved to the UK aged 3. His parents were Sierra Leone citizens. Sowhen my cousin asked me to be a bridesmaid, I went to Freetown to see where he was born. Because I was curious about him. He had a sense of adventure that I associate with Sierra Leonean men I loved, my father, maternal grandfather, John. John, not Daniel was my mother’s best shot at Sierra Leonean grandchildren. But Joe wasn’t black.

When I said I didn’t like the way this made me feel what I mean by that is, the “momentum” you get swept away with it being a cute story you don’t work out of this is right for you and other people liked us more than we liked each other. He’d met my grandmother. She approved, he’d be the only suitor that will ever meet my mother’s family. They all approved. Aunt B? Cousins? All approved.  But being a cute story is one thing, dedication to building a life together was another and he hadn’t proven himself. I like men to prove themselves, like I said acts of service.

But I think people underestimated how badly I did not want that. I didn’t and don’t want to marry someone from “back home” I was raised with parents who had one foot in a different country and I swore against putting my own children through such an ordeal. It physically cannot be done. Another Bible verse “ a slave cannot serve two masters”

I also didn’t want someone who didn’t choose me every single time. Remember strike one? Very serious, because of the volume of the sacrifices I would be making in order to make this fairytale a reality for my mother (because this wouldn’t be happening for my benefit) I need absolutely no mess ups. If you can’t pick me when it’s convenient you won’t pick me when it’s hard, and the U.K. government have made marrying an immigrant very hard indeed.

Why does it have to be marriage? Because I don’t deal with men who aren’t my husband. Men have spent my whole life disappointing me. I need legal protection if I am going to deal with you. So no. I will not spend every evening listening to you talk without the thing I want in return. Marriage and children.

As of April 2024 he had 3 strikes.

1.     He had a girlfriend.

2.     We didn’t want the same thing.

3.     He didn’t want to do anything about me.

So for me it was over. Nothing to discuss.

Here is where I was wrong.

July 2024 my cousin came to the U.K. and she and my mother pled his case.

He was going to break up with his girlfriend in October (okay, hearing this again I remember how crazy this sounded) could I wait and then we could be in a relationship because we had such a connection?

You have a great connection… blah, blah, blah.

I resisted.

I understand the difference between male validation and actually liking someone. I was receiving validation from him for finding him interesting. He didn’t like me, he liked that I found him interesting.

My grandma passed away. June 2025. My mum had  been telling me that I was missing a great marriage with Daniel because I am prideful.

Now I am prideful. I make no mistake about it; I know exactly who I am. As I wrote in Amour Propre I have a great sense of self and it’s what has sustained me in the last few years. However I know that it is a double edged sword. My mum capitalised on my low self esteem at the time and said if I’d just kept relations with him I’d be married by now. Knowing it was what I wanted, to be married to a good man. Not just to be married.

I should have trusted my feelings. Not everything has to be a blow up argument ending for you to know someone isn’t it for you.

“Connection” shouldn’t mean giving up everything, your time, your fertile years, the chance at a man who will actually choose you. For the chance at something you don’t really want.

I want a husband that chooses me the first time. Not sending people to beg me. I hate struggle love and reject struggle in every element of my life.

I don’t want to spend every evening inside listening to a several hour blow by blow of his day.

I want an active and involved father to my children, not someone obsessed with work who would neglect them and me.

I don’t want to spent £10K+ in fees  on a husband (now it’s £20k) excluding solicitors fees, this is just what you pay to the government.

I don’t want a husband who I have to persuade to be interested in my life.

I want a husband I can travel with. I want to see the world, I don’t want to spend time and money on visas. I want a husbands who asks me what my plans are for the weekend with an arched brow and a cheeky smile whilst he’s booking tickets for us to spend the weekend in Seville.

I want a husband who makes plans and acts on them.

I want someone who I’m not convincing myself of because “the story is right” more like I absolutely love who I am when I’m with him.

And thankfully, those things are still open to me.

So after the 3 strikes, I wasn’t interested. And actually the whole mum and cousin begging on his behalf was icky. I didn’t understand the phrase “entertain a notion” until that ice cream shop in Basingstoke. I found it entertaining, so like a cat with a ball of string I entertained myself. My mum wanted to move mountains to “make me happy” but I wouldn’t have been happy. The most gratification I’d have was that I was giving my mum a Creole son in law. But what happens when she dies? Do I divorce him and run off with an Italian-Stallion named Frederico? Because that’s what I want.

But the connection… Was low self esteem. If I liked myself I would have known that I don’t want to be in a relationship like that. I didn’t want another relationship for external validation(that was my first marriage). It would have made my mum incredibly happy… right up until I got a divorce because I couldn’t deal with having anything to do with Freetown, not enjoying my life because I was in hoc to his schedule and I didn’t feel chosen. Adding legal protection and children to that situation wasn’t going to make it better.

I didn’t want the pressure of it “needing to be marriage” because otherwise it was a waste of time”

Whilst I did have low self esteem at the time, I didn’t have no self esteem…

I spoke to him. In June 2025.After my grandma passed. It was good and bad at the same time. I spoke to him for 6 hours, listened to the BS about the girlfriend. He didn’t love her but he didn’t break up with her until February of 2025.

I learnt 2 things

His overwork was worse than ever

This REALLY wasn’t what I wanted. What I wanted to be married, and he had a pulse which made him eligible.

The whole thing was over in a week. We spoke one Saturday, then I spoke with him on the day of my grandma’s funeral. It was a harrowing experience I’d gone through hell. I lost a grandma who I genuinely loved and whilst I was least close of her grandkids, as a beloved grandmother I fought for the dignity of her memory as if I’d been going to weekends at her place since I could walk.

The day of my grandmother’s funeral I coined the phrase “ when failure isn’t an option a Sierra Leonean will make it one”

Which epitomises the whole experience. Both of him and my grandmother’s passing.

And here is where the door closed and will never reopen.

On the day my grandmother was laid to rest, it was stressful, I was one of 3 grandkids on zoom, and we had a wildly different experience to those in person. And it was bad.

So I spoke with him. I told him I was immensely disappointed and was about a hairs-breath away from a blood feud for the ages against my mother’s family.. I knew if I opened my mouth I would be the bad guy because to a greater or lesser extent they would be paying for the sins committed during my fathers passing too. When someone dies you make an effort to uphold their memory lovingly and I felt it had been a sloppy showing that didn’t befit a classy lady.

What was his reaction? I quote.

“My day was harder because 2 children died on my ward today”

What?

I beg your finest pardon?

What did you just say to me?

What did you just say to me on the day I buried my last grandparent?

Are you mentally well?

All those years of medical school and they didn’t teach you bedside manner?

Ukraine wants their medical degree back.

Absolutely outrageous behaviour.

I remember asking him if he was serious. He doubled down on a bad hand and told me that there was a kid that shouldn’t have died, a 6 year old who’d been in his ward since Tuesday (grandma’s funeral was a Friday) and there were only 2 specialists in the country who could save her. One was on leave and the other wouldn’t pick up the phone, that they’d been trying since Wednesday. The other child had died and there was no saving her.

Whilst yes I understand it’s a horrible thing to happen, watch 2 young lives snuffed out by a system which doesn’t value humanity, don’t you think you could have told me that tomorrow?

I saw a vision of myself which no man can convince me wouldn’t become my reality.

I was married to this man. I was pregnant and in labour and having complications…” Mrs Medicine,”my obstetrician would say, “where is your birth partner? We need your next of kin to sign off this procedure”

In would stroll in Daniel, late, with me haemorrhaging, our child in the neonatal intensive care unit talking about how many people had died on his ward today and how hard his day had been.

From there, I never went back. I knew if I said by fire by force I want to be married that would be my future and it would be my fault, with my mother lovingly making excuses for him. “You knew when you married a doctor that his job would clash with family events”

I knew, I knew, I knew. I knew he didn’t treat me sufficiently well for me to make the sacrifices I would need to make for us to be together.

I also knew at no point was I in love, nor did I like him enough to want to make those sacrifices.

So it was best if ended in April 2024. And in my mind it did. It was a sad way to end what could have been a decent friendship, just because we weren’t romantic doesn’t mean we couldn’t be friends.

But telling me your day was worse on the day of my grandma’s funeral means we definitely can’t be friends.

Which brings me to why I decided to write today.

I say all this to say I explicitly know what this woman is going through.

And I let it go on for 3 months. I don’t count the blip with my grandma’s funeral because it was long over for me and it was simply manipulation of me and when I was in a vulnerable place.

I listened to a video blogger talk about her experience with a long distance situationship

She met him in New York whilst on holiday in October 2023. They met, had sex and had this “amazing connection”

From now on, whenever I hear “amazing connection” without the prerequisite work to maintain the relationship I will hear “low self esteem”

So she wanted to see this man again. But she lives in Atlanta Georgia,

She also since got dogs, which would need to be kennelled whilst she is away.

She estimated the total cost to go see him was $2,000- $3,000.

So she very reasonably asked for help with the ticket. He was pursuing the situation so he should pay.

He said no.

That should have been the end of the conversation.

But it wasn’t. For 30 months they went back and forth with each other. Regularly cussing each other out for the eternal sticking point of the price of a flight. Neither loved each other enough to book the damn flight but they enjoyed fighting each other about it.

I’m not about that life. Daniel, for all his sins didn’t cuss me a day in my life. And he got ditched after “my day was worse than yours” comment.

Not since my divorce have I had a man in my life so unhinged. And you’ll notice I am divorced from that man. I didn’t stick around. She did.

Verbal abuse aside. Inability to afford to see each other long term aside… this man made explicitly clear he only wanted sex from her. But she thought if she slept with him again  they’d be in a relationship which is what she wanted.

Jackass behaviour. Incredibly low self esteem behaviour.

So April 2026 rolls around and she ends up going to New York for other reasons (I call BS but hey)

She tells him she’s in New York.

Now in a hypothetical scenario where I’d gone back to Freetown for my granny’s funeral I would not have told Daniel. My mum at that point would not be seeking to antagonise me. I I wouldn’t be seeking anyone’s company. I would bury my grandmother and get the hell out. Or in another situation my mum would think because love of my grandmother had made me cross one red line (sending money to Freetown and actually going back to bury her) that I could be persuaded to cross other red lines. (No “back home” husband, no more connections with the motherland.) At which point I would dig my heels in like the fathers daughter that I am and pronounce a “no” so strong it would reverberate through the ages, no pussyfooting around the point. Every single thing that man had done wrong in 3 months would be brought out, cussed out and shut down and in a closed casket funeral. The matter would be put to bed. There would be no going back.

But neither situation happened.

My fondness for my grandmother however did not trump my love for myself and I regret allowing my mother to neg me into talking to that man. What a waste of 6 hours.

So his woman we’ll call her Roberta, told this man she was in New York, and they met at her hotels bar.

This man told her in no uncertain terms that she was not just a problem but THE problem. He told her everything he didn’t like about her… this went on for an hour by the way.

Let’s stop there.

Who allows someone to spend 60 minutes telling you they hate you?

60 minutes on your flaws having known you via EMAIL for 30 months of “on again off again” nonsense? Do you know how long 60 minutes is? An hour! Most people would be uncomfortable with 60 minutes of constant flattery let alone 60 minutes of insults. Leave, it’s a public place, just leave.

She doesn’t. So he plays in her face some more… there is, of course another woman, the mother of his child who he is still attached to and still providing for financially as if they are still together. He’s harbouring hopes they’ll get back together.

With all this knowledge he asks to go to the bathroom… she directs him to the bathroom of the hotel bar. He said he didn’t want to use that bathroom, he wanted to use the one in her room.

And she lets him.

So at this point we have crossed the threshold to insanity and there’s no going back.

She sleeps with him,

She said she wanted to know if “her body still worked at 42” and she wanted to have sex with someone who “knew her body”

He didn’t,he slept with her once 30 months prior.

Afterwards he doesn’t contact her again even though she reached out to him several times especially when her house was broken into, stating “I thought we’d closed that chapter”

That was 3 weeks ago. She got physically ill from the nasty germs he gave her. During his “60 minute cuss out” he had a cold and was coughing and spluttering all over her. And still she still stayed. And slept with the germ bag.

What followed was the understandable shame. She thought this man was going to be her boyfriend. She’d spent 30 months essentially planning a hookup which was EXACTLY WHAT HE EXPLICITLY TOLD YOU would happen.

She said she kept finding these men. These men only interested in sex and “once every 4-5 years” she’d have this amazing connection with a low effort man. Then she described a man who can’t afford to buy her dinner before sleeping with her as a “high demand person” and herself as a “low demand person”

Sweetie, a broke man with a child and an absolutely awful personality is “high demand?”

You needed to see if your body works with the lowest common denominator? Darling all you needed was a picture of Henry Cavill or (insert vice here) and you would have known your body worked fine. Don’t let a man trick you that all you are worth is 30 months of insults, and 3 hours of time (sex included) He is the low demand” one because other than her, no one else wants him. I checked with all 4 billion other women. We’re good. Knock yourself out. In fact, marry him. Seeing as you think that’s what you are worth. His “baby mama” won’t. Imagine how bad he had to be that the woman who bore his child will not marry him, or commit to him. But if he wants to be “Boo Boo the fool” and still provide for her like they are still together then she’s willing to let him.

30 months? 30 months???

What I have always had a sense of is…  “no company is better than this company”

I didn’t stop talking to Daniel because he was bad to me (final insult excluded) I stopped because it was an exercise in male validation. And a type of old school African man validation that I didn’t want. I had a father, he’s gone, I accept it. I have an uncle who keeps tabs on me. I don’t need that validation from a husband. 1. It’s not sexy. 2. What happens when the “British” in “Black British” kicks in and I find it arcane and annoying?

So I chose myself, it was an easy choice and without any hard feelings. And if we’d left it there I would have been a friend on the other side of the Atlantic that he could call on whenever he needed something. And when I needed something, I would in turn have a friend on the other side of the Atlantic too.

 I mourn for her that she would accept such poor treatment.

As a child of God she has certain inalienable rights. Like the right to be treated with dignity and kindness. To be remembered as someone who is loved and cherished and has an immortal soul.

That man violated those rights.

And she let him. For 30 months.

Wickedness Pro Max.

Cruelty Pro Max.

She will 100% do it again. She has learnt precisely nothing from this experience and I can’t listen to her now I know how she treats herself. How she thinks broke men with a dick are in “high demand” instead of people with morals, standards, compassion, respect and kindness.

Last month I met a man who she’d call “high demand” he too made no effort with me. So I left him well alone. I’m not chasing men. I’m someone’s dream girl and men, especially men of this age, know exactly how to behave. I am out of the “drama game” I don’t like it: whilst it is familiar to me from childhood, grown up me has decided I don’t like that kind of “love” and that really is all there is to say about it.  

We aren’t our childhoods, we are our decisions.

Now part of my personality is I will give everyone a fair hearing. So when she started talking about a man who she’d been messing with for (at the start of the video) 24 months I was mad, but I said… “let’s hear her out. How bad could it get”

Oh it got bad.

I have skipped details. It was incredibly bad.

I am hard pressed to see how this could get worse. Only if this stupid interaction in April results in pregnancy. She’s basically infertile so that’s unlikely. She has a pre existing condition.

I feel for her. I pray healing for her but heaven help us there was no need to still be “finding out” in your 40’s.

I make the point of when she and I close our eyes in death are we going to remember our situationship in our final moments? Nah boo, I will be thinking of my second (final) husband, my wonderful children, my parents, friends and all the travel I did because I didn’t marry someone with a lifestyle incompatible with mine.

She will remember…30 months with this man.

Be in spaces where you are cherished. For God’s sake, we only have one life and you act like someone who is a cat with 9, the way you’re wasting time with these men.

So sad. And remember I am saying this as someone who did similar.

So I know you know to leave after a certain point. And her lack of self preservation took her 30 months and a $2,000 hookup to learn some sense.

May God have mercy on us all.

I’m not mad at her. I can’t condone her choices.

But for the grace of God go I.

Grace and Courage

Annetta Mother Smith.